The Best (or worst) Hash Yet

After an amazing afternoon among the fish, I headed out for another hash. Hashing has only become better and better. Each week the hash is somewhat easier, somewhat harder, always different and always an adventure. I am a very lazy person by nature and sometimes it is difficult to find motivation to do something, especially something physical, even though I know I will enjoy it. But this is not the case with hashing. I can not wait to hash and look forward to Saturday evenings.

This week we again ventured to the southland (third week in a row). The south of Guam is more mountainous and hilly than the rather flat plateau of the north. The south has a mixture of grassy and rocky mountain sides combined with jungle river valleys and waterfalls. This time the two hairs quickly begin the hash with a warning, “You all had better run faster this time, because this one is going to take a while.” This warning turned out to be prophetic.

The run began normally enough with the prerequisite waterfall and steep hill side, but then began to deteriorate. The trail ran right through a large patch of “boonie bees” some sort of Guamanian wasp. Although there was much hilarity, "BEES!!!" this broke up the group and the trail. I ventured off on my own going through a desolate valley where a wild fire had recently ravaged the area. After an exhausting climb, I collapsed at the top of a hill and was ecstatic to see some of the front runners close by. This was the first time I have “flown” on a hash, or run off trail on my own, thinking that I knew where I was going. Luckily it worked.

Over an hour and a half had gone by, the end must be near I thought. The trail led us on to an amazing vista, a sea side cliff that overlooks the Philippine Sea and the sun was close to the horizon. Although I always regret not being able to bring a camera on the hash, this was by far the best view I have seen on Guam. I looked down the cliff and into the deep ocean bay hundreds of feet bellow. Much to my surprise I could make out a few tiny people on the deserted beach and then it began to dawn on me, those guys are hashing. This trail is not even close to being done.

Eventually I made it down the cliff and onto the beach where we walked completely around the bay and then straight up the cliff on the other side. After getting to the top, I looked back to the north and saw people on the cliff opposite me where I was about an hour ago. Whoa, I hope they have flashlights, I thought. Then I looked to the south and saw another group of tiny people on the horizon several hills over ahead of me. Screw the trail, I thought, I can find my own way over there and save time. After all, I’ve done it before and it was starting to get dark.

Much to my surprise, an FNG (F%*@g New Guy) – what everyone calls the rookies, decided to follow me. After much initial progress, I nearly led us both off the side of a cliff and in the growing dark I couldn’t see the bottom. We had to retrace our steps all the way back to the trail in order to continue. After over three hours total and the dark of night, I arrived at the on home utterly exhausted and spent.

Despite my time consuming error, however, most of the hashers were still unaccounted for. Over another hour and a half went by before everyone made it in. Some were enraged at the difficulty and length, but most were just glad it was over. Everyone demanded a full explanation from the hairs. Instead of planning the hash as a team, the two hairs had divided the task in two and neither of them was familiar with the trail in its entirety. As a consequence, it was nearly double the length of a typical trail and one of the hairs had lost his glasses, gone astray, and had to be rescued. Everyone relentlessly eviscerated the hairs for their many errors and celebrated the conclusion of another Guam hash.

In my opinion, it was by far the greatest hash yet.